Yet another birthday - 24

Birthday cake, people, dinner, alcohol, celebrations - 24. Yes, I am 24 now, a year away from completing the quarter life. I can't relate to being a teenager or young being stuck somewhere in the middle and the definition of fun has undergone drastic changes. Movies like Green Mile make much sense now, if you get my drift? ( I know I am writing this much after 27th July has passed away ).

It has been quite an interesting journey so far. I made amazing friends, some walked out, some are in still in, did amazing networking ( I can safely say that ) through a strong professional organization, made life long relationships.

Its a weird stage of your life to be in. ALL my closest friends throughout ( and I mean all ) are settling down, managing to take it to the next level. Over the past few weeks, I have been questioned over the exact same thing and honestly, my take on this has always been subject to difference

Every now and then along with all of this, you are popped with that question. Most of the time it would start this way with slight variations, " So, Shekhar/Roy/Dibby/Sumon/Dibs, I am pretty sure you are settling down with your life. Settling down? What does that mean? Didn't Mark Twain, Ulysses and W.B Yeats tell us NEVER to settle down and lead the average life? I am not trying to pull off an oxymoron or a metaphor, I am just saying that there is nothing in the true definition of the term as settling down.

If finding an average job, getting your 401k along with health insurance and other benefits every year submerged with the idea of getting married to a beautiful woman and getting 2 children out of the relationship when quarter life is closing by, I would proactively refuse to accept it.

Everything happens for a reason, it is meant to teach you something sooner or later. Age has nothing to do with it. Of course age makes you wiser ( depending on your experiences ) but you CANNOT stereotype age numbers with life progression. The ones that do ( no offense to anyone who is reading this ) are the ones who remain mediocre and I, REFUSE to lead such a life.

Faith

Faith - Such a powerful word in the dictionary, a pivot center around so many emotions and perceptions revolve. We are surrounded by our Faith in terms of religious practices, worldly relations and human beliefs. The one that concerns me the most - People's faith in me.

As the saying goes, " Ignorance truly is bliss; the lesser you know, the better off you are ". I sometimes claim to disagree with that chain of thought, but it is a momentary excursion from reality. With time, I have known a LOT of people, many of whom I am in constant touch and 'harmony' with. They all trust me with their darkest secrets and philosophies ( maybe I radiate magnetic waves of the trustworthy friend, I don't know ) and emphasize their belief over me.

After all these years, I am not sure if I can take it anymore. A person X, in relation to me and two other people might be contradictory and there is where the root problem starts igniting. Information flow somehow gets dissected/added along the process. Herein starts the era of a word which we call as drama. Communication, anyone?

I agree, I have messed up in this regard. Maybe, I am just confused to thrust such faith inside me anymore. Maybe, I am just tired; yes, I am, of a lot of things but this in particular. It is time to give way to more important concerns and issues of the world that we live in. Life is too short to live in the one dimensional direction anyway,

New transcending paths..

Continuing with random experimentation, I think it is about time to transcend and welcome new paths along my way that come along. Over the past one and a half months, I have been making an attempt in this direction and have been reasonably successful - no, successful would be a wrong terminology to use, more an attempt in correcting some of the mistakes/blunders which I have done. I apologize for not being active on my blog.

Time does fly by. It is a constant healer yet a perpetual reminder that life is short; a significant portion of it being college. While education is the primary reason for being there, it integrates into so much more. You are in your own, you do mistakes in your personal/financial/professional lives and you rectify them. You take responsibility. You mold into an adult.

I have done/doing my share of blunders. Everyday here in America has been a learning curve for me. Just some things which meant the world to me a couple of months back now seem like the most trivial of things. Priorities have transformed, responsibilities doubled. I have decided to let go off things which I have no control over ( something which I should have imbibed sometime earlier inside me ).

People come, people go, relationships break and form, but some facts in these paths chosen leave indelible footprints in your heart. There are lessons taught and learned.

The new transcending paths are not as stringent as they used to be. They have given way to a broader and clearer perspective ( or at least an attempt ) in my mind. Surely, life is not about the moments we breathe but those moments which take our breath away. - HITCH.

A bar, a glass and me....

The harsh winter has almost given way to the beauty of the Spring season. It is my favorite time of the year, the leaves sprout again for a magnificent glow all around and the weather as a whole feels less colder; a mild breeze blowing for the ultimate good feeling.

Well, this is the spring of 2010 and I have been challenged in almost everything I have done for the past one and a half months. I can presume this is not one of the most exciting times in my life. But within all the hassles around, I have given way to something in my life which I always wanted to do - Experimentation.

My first step toward this was sitting in a bar all by myself. For some who read this, this is a very trivial concept while for some, it might not be. Nevertheless, I wanted to try and see how it felt. I chose a day which is conventionally busy and hustling with people - Friday.

I ordered one of my favorite beers, sat in of my favorite bars in the city (almost favorite actually) and enjoyed the music.When you are alone, you start paying attention to the minutest of details around; and so did I. The music certainly seemed to have a certain flair. For the first time, I noticed how synchronous it was with the ambiance around. The lights were getting dimmer as the night progressed, make it a heaven for romantic couples and single people out there in the bar.

It is amazing how every table and every person in the bar had a story of their own. I interacted with a few. Most of them came from really diverse backgrounds, talking in terms of 'people interactions'. Alcohol maybe cursed for health reasons and others in general, but the glass does form a common bond, that of friendship.

It was an interesting night. Two people were celebrating the joyous occasion of their birthdays while couple were drooling being over intoxicated. Some were depressed in general while some did not care. Some were trying to attract the opposite sex with the various monologues of 'seducing' while some were on a date. The bartender was tediously busy and the waiters seemed to run around as if there was no tomorrow.

I realized I was on one of those tables sitting most of the time with my friends and acquittance but never paid such close attention to detail happening around; being in the midst of so much yet enjoying your lone time, quite an experience I must say!

100 and still counting...

The bells of engagement are ringing all around me. Its been a while now since I reached a milestone ( if that's what I can call it ) like this. All this happened over a period of 5 years or more. Not that I keep a count of all of this, but this time in this particular case, I did. A sudden experimentation with the social networking sites lead to this conclusion.

Last week, the 2nd of March, 2010, I set up 100 relationships acting as a cupid. When I turn back and look, many of them are engaged, married, some have trifles while some don't even talk to each other, while many including me have moved across continents. Some, along the process of life, have lost touch.

But at the end of the day, it does give me a good feeling within. I am content to have played a part in these 200 people's lives, to make it special, maybe momentarily or everlasting. I am happy that I could bring a smile to these people's faces. I think I safely qualify now for the title of a HITCH!

Here's raising a toast to ME!

P.S: Working on 3 more currently. :)

A dream, maybe a lost cause?

This is my sixteenth attempt at writing this post. But this is the best way I could probably pen it down.

My grandmother once said that dreams are a reflection of what we do in everyday life and how beautiful the next day is going to be with the rising sun. I was 10. Understandably, the psychological and physiological dictionary definition of the phenomenon is an active state of mind ( mostly in a nutshell ). She clearly wasn't accurate.

Well, it took me 13 years to understand what a powerful metaphor that was. What made me realize that? A dream; a specific one which today stands as a mirage...

While I am writing this post, I am constantly reminded of a movie, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY ( 1989 ) . For those who are not familiar, it is supposed to be one of the best romantic comedies aka chick flicks of all times. I have never been an avid follower of romantic movies in general, but this particular one till date stands out. Today, I have a similar viewpoint of the movie yet a different angle though - I assume partially portraying myself in the HARRY character. For understanding this, we need to go back from where it all started - Summer 2009.

Summer 2009 - a very eventful time spent with some wonderful people I became friends with, some I lost touch with and someone else. It did not start that way. We met under relatively unconventional circumstances exactly to get to know people. But something clicked. Many said it was an acute case of common depression ( I am quoting a friend here ) lying as an underlying theme. I would rather strongly disagree with that. While with the rising sun every morning, life seemed shining with glorious effulgence.

I was happy....Just hanging out, listening to music, working on my that time extraordinarily hectic schedule of handling 3 jobs + 19 credits. Nothing seemed impossible. There was this feeling of a positive vibe everywhere. Though I lived in an apartment with roommates who were never there and somehow unsuitable for human habitation, I was very content. Some of my other friends commented and repeatedly kept mentioning that they haven't seen me so glad in a rather long time. I saw substance in it but failed to take note of why there was a underlying difference inside me.

August came. Things were beautifully sailing through good times and no vice was traceable. All culminated together, I attended 6 weddings the year. Here is a fact about weddings and me - I absolutely love the gala and glamor around it and certainly respect comes naturally, but it is still an institution which I am attempting to completely comprehend. Again, something kept striking me from deep within whenever I was in one. I believed it was the vacuum of the missing someone , but I chose to believe otherwise. I was self sufficed with my own explanations. I was happy with my friends and having an amazing time.

Every once in a while, somewhere in life, you meet a friend from nowhere whom you just love spending time with, talking to him/her, cracking up, not caring about whats going on anywhere else. Throughout summer, I loved spending time with this person who became a really good friend. Beer was an excursion we all regularly entertained and music became the pilgrim of bonding. Time was flying as if there was no tomorrow.

A trip to the motherland dawned in September. I was nervous, excited and wrecked. It had been 2 years since I went back. So much had changed. Some friends moved on, many of them started dating, many were breaking up, some lost touch. Some had got into the finest universities of the world and some had given a kick start to their corporate careers.The probabilities were varied. But all was good. Everything seemed beautiful even in the midst of recklessness and chaos. I was HOME. I went out and caught up with some of my oldest friends. 24 hours seemed too less a time for a passing day. But I was lost. Something felt constantly missing; something that was right before me a moment ago and suddenly not there.

Then, something happened which changed quite a bit of my life. My mom and I love food ( food junkie would be an understatement here ) and for a change one of those days, we decided for the first time ever to go out for breakfast. That breakfast turned into lunch and snacks and eventually dinner at the same place. We chatted, talked. I felt free. I told her I was very happy and she said, " You are not. Something is missing." That made me think even more. All this while, I could only think of that friend and how much I miss her. I was confused. Why was that happening to me? I did not want anything to happen and loved the way things were. For the record, I am not very fond of changes. My mom tried a different approach and I still wonder why she did that. She set me up for a date. The girl was beautiful, gorgeous. But all I could think about was that friend. I felt very weird. Don't ask me what happened in the date. She left in resilience in a bit.

I came back home, utterly disappointed. But the friend was constantly on my mind. I told my mom what was going on. She only said, " What is there to loose? Just go for it ! ". That left me thinking. Well, since that day till half way through my entire trip, that was the only thing on my mind. I spoke to a couple of friends and they opined it being a classic symbol of falling in love. Weirdly enough, I started enjoying it. As ridiculous as it might sound, 5 years through teenage, I felt like I was living it once more. Everything around suddenly seemed more beautiful and a smile was the perfect camouflage for the joy within. With an Alchemist frame of mind, I started walking this path.

"Does your heart melt up with a glance,

As you offer up a prayer,
When you look into their heart,
Does your heart yearn to be there ? " William Shakespeare.

In liking someone, specially a friend, there is ALWAYS a silver lining.This is where the movie When Harry Met Sally portrays it beautifully. Either it comes out with flying colors or ends up miserably taking you to a dark path where no one wants to be in. Well, it was time to get back to the grind - Philadelphia, my second home now. I bade my goodbyes to the people back home.

Life has been very different since then. Here is the catch. Whenever you want something more from a specific person, there are expectations, aspirations, wishes, dreams and desires. I did the same. I started dreaming again, building up expectations of a better tomorrow with her by my side. I think I won't deny this till today but just a smile on her face makes/made my day. Pretty melodramatic but true; And so began my sustained efforts in making this a possibility. For once, I thought I was not chasing an illusion and a dream would come true.

But things did not turn out as anticipated. There was a certain level of chemistry between us but everything went down the grave. Soon, there followed numerous quarrels and levels of an uncomfortable zone. Whenever rough patches started sorting itself out, something else came up. I believe everything that happened between us could be compared to a car on an expressway without definite speed limits. One of my friends opined, " Had it been a different moment of time under a different situation, the results would have been invariably different". I am still searching for that moment.

I wanted to change all of this. We had a conversation about this in a windy snowy night. I decided to take her out one day and put it forward as a gratitude of saying sorry and make things better between us. It did.

Here is another fact about me. I have never been on a ball with someone and so I asked myself," What a better way other than taking her along with me?" Not in a romantic way maybe, but just going with her there; nothing better than that. In an incredible rush for getting tickets on that particular day, I made sure I was one of the first to get it. I was very happy and just the thought of going with her increased my pace of heart and contentment in general. I even went to the extent of deciding on taking a half-day from work to allow sufficient time. That was not all. I also planned out every other special day coming along ( like the one tomorrow ) and her birthday etc. etc. I stopped having expectations of anything happening between us. I just wanted to be with her and make her smile for whatever it took.

But suddenly, my past dawned between us and smacked me on the face. Something happened. I am still shocked, rather surprised. Everything came crashing down. I tried hard to make things the same as they were before but they never did. Today, it has been more than a month since we spoke to each other. I guess she is come to live with the fact that life is better off without me. If that is what makes her happy, I will be glad to let things always be this way. For all of those who played a part in spoiling everything, THANK YOU. Guess you ended up proving me as a loser. You did not have to put in this much effort. I gladly accept that tab because I know I am one. But I also know one thing for sure. If I were in your shoes, no matter what the odds were, I would still not do the same. God knows that I have never done anything wrong or even tried to harm you people. I just wish and pray that you never repeat the same with someone else. Maybe, it is for your own good.

And so I woke up from a wonderful dream. All of these incidents over the past made me realize a couple of valuable lessons in life. Even if you take an attempt at redemption, circumstances won't let you do that because your past will always haunt you. Even if you truly, madly, deeply want something from the sole of your heart, life wouldn't let you do so. I know if you have read Bishop's Candlesticks, you might wonder what I am talking about. Trust me, I read it too and believed in it. But that is all shattered into millions of pieces today. My belief over humanity is just fading away day by day. I guess nothing lasts forever. I am back to the point where it all started, stranded by myself in a desolate island. The ship seems to have lost its sails and direction and there is no vicinity of anything. I guess I found something and lost it forever.

It is Valentine's day today. For all of those who read this, here's wishing you a very happy Valentine's day. Savor the moments with your loved ones who are already dating/engaged/married. For those who are just starting to fall in love, enjoy these special moments and make every use of the opportunity life has to offer. You never know if there will be a better tomorrow....

Choices

Someone once told me, " You have one life, live it. Make it meaningful for yourself and all others who walk in and out of your lives. Remember one of the best things that life offers is CHOICE."

Choices - truly, one of the biggest things in today's world. I look around and see everywhere, anything, be it ipods, smartphones, computers, music, lifestyles, career opportunities, cars, we are carelessly spoil t. Being a kid of the mid 1980's, we were not conventionally accessible to many of these while growing up. Flying was an exercise of luxury and having a cellphone a symbol of status. Over the past 5-6 years in general, choices have become more robust and dynamic.

Well, choices do not end with materialistic possessions. We, Indians in general and maybe South Asians for a bit have become more open to the concept of dating. We have unlimited 'choices' there too - maybe a fling, one night stand; in general, the different variations that lie within it. But during the conversion process, something was lost - the depth of liking and loving someone turned intricate in general ( and mind you its just my analysis ). During our early teen years, everyone has had their first crush, their first thought of having someone special. Understandably, many of it is due to a change as part of growing up into a man or woman, ready to take more responsibilities entering the 'real' world. But it does not stop there. It moves on into the early and late 20's, 30's and maybe even 40's and 50's ( sometimes! ), varying in nature but resulting in mostly the common element.

There again, if we do stop liking someone, 'move' on. We have too many differences, move on. We have different skin colors and it was just a summer fling, move on. We were looking for each other's company and it is getting boring now, move on. We suddenly out of the blue start dating and see another cute guy/girl walk into our lives, move on or cheat. Probably, I can go on and on about this. But, choices again. With the fast pace of technology developing and the world turning into a global village, a person 8000 + air miles away seems right in front of us.

I sometimes ask myself the question. Are too many choices a bad thing? The answer - unknown.