A dream, maybe a lost cause?

This is my sixteenth attempt at writing this post. But this is the best way I could probably pen it down.

My grandmother once said that dreams are a reflection of what we do in everyday life and how beautiful the next day is going to be with the rising sun. I was 10. Understandably, the psychological and physiological dictionary definition of the phenomenon is an active state of mind ( mostly in a nutshell ). She clearly wasn't accurate.

Well, it took me 13 years to understand what a powerful metaphor that was. What made me realize that? A dream; a specific one which today stands as a mirage...

While I am writing this post, I am constantly reminded of a movie, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY ( 1989 ) . For those who are not familiar, it is supposed to be one of the best romantic comedies aka chick flicks of all times. I have never been an avid follower of romantic movies in general, but this particular one till date stands out. Today, I have a similar viewpoint of the movie yet a different angle though - I assume partially portraying myself in the HARRY character. For understanding this, we need to go back from where it all started - Summer 2009.

Summer 2009 - a very eventful time spent with some wonderful people I became friends with, some I lost touch with and someone else. It did not start that way. We met under relatively unconventional circumstances exactly to get to know people. But something clicked. Many said it was an acute case of common depression ( I am quoting a friend here ) lying as an underlying theme. I would rather strongly disagree with that. While with the rising sun every morning, life seemed shining with glorious effulgence.

I was happy....Just hanging out, listening to music, working on my that time extraordinarily hectic schedule of handling 3 jobs + 19 credits. Nothing seemed impossible. There was this feeling of a positive vibe everywhere. Though I lived in an apartment with roommates who were never there and somehow unsuitable for human habitation, I was very content. Some of my other friends commented and repeatedly kept mentioning that they haven't seen me so glad in a rather long time. I saw substance in it but failed to take note of why there was a underlying difference inside me.

August came. Things were beautifully sailing through good times and no vice was traceable. All culminated together, I attended 6 weddings the year. Here is a fact about weddings and me - I absolutely love the gala and glamor around it and certainly respect comes naturally, but it is still an institution which I am attempting to completely comprehend. Again, something kept striking me from deep within whenever I was in one. I believed it was the vacuum of the missing someone , but I chose to believe otherwise. I was self sufficed with my own explanations. I was happy with my friends and having an amazing time.

Every once in a while, somewhere in life, you meet a friend from nowhere whom you just love spending time with, talking to him/her, cracking up, not caring about whats going on anywhere else. Throughout summer, I loved spending time with this person who became a really good friend. Beer was an excursion we all regularly entertained and music became the pilgrim of bonding. Time was flying as if there was no tomorrow.

A trip to the motherland dawned in September. I was nervous, excited and wrecked. It had been 2 years since I went back. So much had changed. Some friends moved on, many of them started dating, many were breaking up, some lost touch. Some had got into the finest universities of the world and some had given a kick start to their corporate careers.The probabilities were varied. But all was good. Everything seemed beautiful even in the midst of recklessness and chaos. I was HOME. I went out and caught up with some of my oldest friends. 24 hours seemed too less a time for a passing day. But I was lost. Something felt constantly missing; something that was right before me a moment ago and suddenly not there.

Then, something happened which changed quite a bit of my life. My mom and I love food ( food junkie would be an understatement here ) and for a change one of those days, we decided for the first time ever to go out for breakfast. That breakfast turned into lunch and snacks and eventually dinner at the same place. We chatted, talked. I felt free. I told her I was very happy and she said, " You are not. Something is missing." That made me think even more. All this while, I could only think of that friend and how much I miss her. I was confused. Why was that happening to me? I did not want anything to happen and loved the way things were. For the record, I am not very fond of changes. My mom tried a different approach and I still wonder why she did that. She set me up for a date. The girl was beautiful, gorgeous. But all I could think about was that friend. I felt very weird. Don't ask me what happened in the date. She left in resilience in a bit.

I came back home, utterly disappointed. But the friend was constantly on my mind. I told my mom what was going on. She only said, " What is there to loose? Just go for it ! ". That left me thinking. Well, since that day till half way through my entire trip, that was the only thing on my mind. I spoke to a couple of friends and they opined it being a classic symbol of falling in love. Weirdly enough, I started enjoying it. As ridiculous as it might sound, 5 years through teenage, I felt like I was living it once more. Everything around suddenly seemed more beautiful and a smile was the perfect camouflage for the joy within. With an Alchemist frame of mind, I started walking this path.

"Does your heart melt up with a glance,

As you offer up a prayer,
When you look into their heart,
Does your heart yearn to be there ? " William Shakespeare.

In liking someone, specially a friend, there is ALWAYS a silver lining.This is where the movie When Harry Met Sally portrays it beautifully. Either it comes out with flying colors or ends up miserably taking you to a dark path where no one wants to be in. Well, it was time to get back to the grind - Philadelphia, my second home now. I bade my goodbyes to the people back home.

Life has been very different since then. Here is the catch. Whenever you want something more from a specific person, there are expectations, aspirations, wishes, dreams and desires. I did the same. I started dreaming again, building up expectations of a better tomorrow with her by my side. I think I won't deny this till today but just a smile on her face makes/made my day. Pretty melodramatic but true; And so began my sustained efforts in making this a possibility. For once, I thought I was not chasing an illusion and a dream would come true.

But things did not turn out as anticipated. There was a certain level of chemistry between us but everything went down the grave. Soon, there followed numerous quarrels and levels of an uncomfortable zone. Whenever rough patches started sorting itself out, something else came up. I believe everything that happened between us could be compared to a car on an expressway without definite speed limits. One of my friends opined, " Had it been a different moment of time under a different situation, the results would have been invariably different". I am still searching for that moment.

I wanted to change all of this. We had a conversation about this in a windy snowy night. I decided to take her out one day and put it forward as a gratitude of saying sorry and make things better between us. It did.

Here is another fact about me. I have never been on a ball with someone and so I asked myself," What a better way other than taking her along with me?" Not in a romantic way maybe, but just going with her there; nothing better than that. In an incredible rush for getting tickets on that particular day, I made sure I was one of the first to get it. I was very happy and just the thought of going with her increased my pace of heart and contentment in general. I even went to the extent of deciding on taking a half-day from work to allow sufficient time. That was not all. I also planned out every other special day coming along ( like the one tomorrow ) and her birthday etc. etc. I stopped having expectations of anything happening between us. I just wanted to be with her and make her smile for whatever it took.

But suddenly, my past dawned between us and smacked me on the face. Something happened. I am still shocked, rather surprised. Everything came crashing down. I tried hard to make things the same as they were before but they never did. Today, it has been more than a month since we spoke to each other. I guess she is come to live with the fact that life is better off without me. If that is what makes her happy, I will be glad to let things always be this way. For all of those who played a part in spoiling everything, THANK YOU. Guess you ended up proving me as a loser. You did not have to put in this much effort. I gladly accept that tab because I know I am one. But I also know one thing for sure. If I were in your shoes, no matter what the odds were, I would still not do the same. God knows that I have never done anything wrong or even tried to harm you people. I just wish and pray that you never repeat the same with someone else. Maybe, it is for your own good.

And so I woke up from a wonderful dream. All of these incidents over the past made me realize a couple of valuable lessons in life. Even if you take an attempt at redemption, circumstances won't let you do that because your past will always haunt you. Even if you truly, madly, deeply want something from the sole of your heart, life wouldn't let you do so. I know if you have read Bishop's Candlesticks, you might wonder what I am talking about. Trust me, I read it too and believed in it. But that is all shattered into millions of pieces today. My belief over humanity is just fading away day by day. I guess nothing lasts forever. I am back to the point where it all started, stranded by myself in a desolate island. The ship seems to have lost its sails and direction and there is no vicinity of anything. I guess I found something and lost it forever.

It is Valentine's day today. For all of those who read this, here's wishing you a very happy Valentine's day. Savor the moments with your loved ones who are already dating/engaged/married. For those who are just starting to fall in love, enjoy these special moments and make every use of the opportunity life has to offer. You never know if there will be a better tomorrow....